October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Perhaps this seems like an odd time to participate in a project called "Capture Your Grief," being 22 weeks pregnant and all seemingly well. But the years since our losses and after Raccoon's birth have been a whirlwind, with little time for reflection or letting go. The further I get into this pregnancy, the more I've realized that there are things I no longer want to carry with me. I know I won't be able to do all 31 days, but I hope to do at least one or two.
It is also National Sensory Awareness Month. Raccoon struggles with sensory issues similar to Sensory Processing Disorder, although the occupation therapist who evaluated him couldn't specifically give him a diagnosis because she works for a school. The areas where this affects us the most are: eating, sleeping, hygiene, people/crowds, and difficulty regulating/self-soothing. I have mentioned SPD on here before, but this month I'm going to embrace our official "coming out."
October is also Raccoon's birthday month. Three years old!
Ever since I was a teen, I had envisioned adoption as part of my story. It was, and is, but not with the conclusion I'd imagined. Somehow, if we had been told that baby Kitty (aka Robin) is a boy, I had a slight hope that there might still be a little girl or two out there who were meant to be part of our family. But if baby Kitty is indeed a girl, I have an inexplicable conviction that this is the completion of our family. Kitty should be our fifth, instead she(?) is our second. This has changed me. It has changed my husband. We are not the individuals, nor the couple, that we once were. I want to let go of guilt, regret, and grief over the kind of mother that I wanted to be and the life that I dreamed I would have.
With these things in mind, I want to accept and celebrate the life I have now, however it turns out. So for me, this project is broader, encompassing all of the losses and changes I have experienced in the last few years, beginning with and beyond SB. My life in the world of loss and special needs parenting has not included much time for reflection, but I believe the time has come for a little inner evaluation. I want to hold on to the good things and let go of the pain. I am ready to begin again. To figure out who I've become and where I am going. I hope.
1/31/14 ETA: Changed from Robin to Kitty. We now know she is definitely a girl. :)