Okay, so I didn't expect a theological breakthrough here, but got one anyway:
"Another trap, target fixation, has an analogy in aviation: it occurs when pilots become so intent on delivering their ordnance that they lose sight of the big picture and crash into the target. This is a more basic human tendency than many realize. Analysts may fixate on one hypothesis, looking only at evidence that is consistent with their preconceptions and ignoring other relevant views. The desire for rapid closure is another form of idea fixation." - Wikipedia
When I want things to be so, I look for all of the reasons that I think they should be so. Then I look for verses in the Bible to confirm that they will be so. I get so fixated on what I want, what I think is best, that I miss God's point entirely. This explains why I have been twice, recently and not so recently, convinced of things that have not come to pass. Both occasions were followed by a crisis of faith because I felt like God let me down. Then I wrestled with how could this be so.
Upon reading this, I realized that God has not failed me, I just crashed into my own elaborate fabrications. I was so sure because I wanted it so badly. In my pride, I thought I could come up with a better plan than Someone who knows everything, sees everything, and is not bound by time. Of course His plan is going to end better than mine, so why do I have trouble trusting Him?
Why? Truthfully? Because there is pain involved in the process, and in the moment, I can't see how God's plan is working out for me. Until after death, at the big reveal, the only thing I have in this life are glimpses and trust.
My plan, on the other hand, is like a child who wants to eat nothing but marshmallows. Immediate gratification. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but because there are things a child does not know (or care) about, a varied diet is a better choice, although less pleasant in the moment.
The few times I have had glimpses of God's glory, I have always regretted not trusting him more from the beginning because I would have spared myself so much agony. Again, children whose parents are able to provide for them are not worried about paying the bills or having enough food for supper, because they trust their parents to see to all those things.
Why am I finding it so hard to trust this time around that God will provide what we need?
Because I want something - a comfortable life - that I know is not on God's to do list for me. He does not promise us that we will be comfortable, rich, or feel good all the time. In fact, it often seems like those things keep me from seeing Him clearly.
I have no resolution for this post, only more questions.
To be continued...
I also now officially accept that this blog is probably of no interest to anyone but myself. Sorry to my 4? readers (hi mom).
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