Low energy mom. High energy kid. Introvert. Extrovert. Things have not been going well in mommyland lately. "I should be a better mommy," I tell myself frequently. Will my children even like me, or will they just remember that I was tired and grumpy all the time?
Get more sleep. This is going to be my new mommy super-secret. Things are not as bad as they seem. My son is four and my daughter is one, there is time to fix this. This is my pep talk to myself. And this post is my brain-dump so hopefully I can get some perspective.
Other things making me grumpy:
1) Teddybear almost killed a neighbor's chicken today. We rescued it from his mouth. That was my one fear with getting a puppy, that it would grow up into a chicken-killer. Teddybear is the worst eater we've had so he's still skinny despite my best efforts. Even Storm (picture below playing on the trampoline) has made a full recovery and now this skeletal puppy just won't fatten up, except apparently on my neighbor's chickens. Ugh.
2) October is my son's birthday but money is tight this year. He wants a venus flytrap growing kit he saw at the store. He's happy with such small things, his birthday will be a success as long as we do something. I know things work out. I never used to worry about money until I had kids. Working nonprofit and taking care of a family can be hard to balance. We work with people who are so poor, my money worries don't even compare, yet I have them anyway.
3) November is coming, a month that reminds me of painful things.
4) We're not doing the fun stuff I thought we would for homeschool.
5) No rain. Dusty wind.
6) Deep down it's all connected to my struggle with perfectionism and the fear that I'm not good enough, as a mom, wife, person. Except that actually, none of us are good at all. Only God. So instead of being afraid of it, I should embrace the truth and trust in God's grace. The truth is that He loves me anyway, no matter what, just like I tell Raccoon. I don't have to get everything right today, just one thing.
Lord, help me please to let go of fear and anger and be filled with Your joy instead. In Jesus name, Amen.