Thursday, June 28, 2012

Learning to Let Go

"...Finding a way to bring together the mom and the woman." from Mama Pants

I like the whole idea, go read her post for details, but this line caught my attention especially. I have a 2y8m old son and am pregnant, so I am going to be doing the mommy thing in baby/toddler world for several years more. Now is a perfect time to try to figure out how to restore some balance in my life. For me, the person I was has been swallowed up almost entirely by mommy-me. I'm lucky if I take a shower and remember to brush my hair with any frequency.

Lately I've been experiencing some mommy-envy. When I'm around other mothers with toddlers, I hear of babysitters, a night out with friends, a date night, or even a week away from home alone. Raccoon will barely go with his own father for more than an hour without a where's-my-mommy-we-have-to-go-home-right-now-super-severe anxiety attack. How did we get here? And how do I make some room for myself without also coming down with a bad case of mommy-guilt.

I am grateful to be able to stay home with Raccoon. I know many moms don't have that luxury. I know mothers have been surviving for centuries with much harder lives than mine. Others remind me of these things frequently. Yet there is still a part of me, even more because I am an introvert, that just craves some uninterrupted "me time." I am hoping that if I am consistent, loving, and don't force the issue, that he will outgrow the anxiety on his own. If not, I have 30 weeks more to figure something out.

Then again, how independent do I really want him to be? Part of me says that he'll leave me behind soon enough and that I should treasure these months when I am still his whole world. The mommy and the woman. It's such a tug-of-war.

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