Sometimes when there is too much emotion involved, it's easier to make a list, or two.
Things I mourn:
* being close to my family
* reliable high-speed internet
* feeling safe
* food that my son can eat. Being a resistant eater with multiple food allergies makes changing countries very difficult. On the best of days he only likes one brand and trying to find new brands he can have (and will eat) makes me want to cry.
* knowing how to manage life
* friends and things to do that are close to home. Everything is a drive now.
* life goes on, it did for those we left behind and they are also adjusting to our presence again. And life for my family goes on as they fill the hole we just left.
* not living in fear of allergies and illness and robbery and pets dying. Life is rougher here, more real somehow. The fragile human condition is more exposed. I miss my illusion of control and life's constancy.
* my children's losses - friends and the known and trust that they won't just be whisked away again to somewhere foreign.
* not really belonging here or there, caught in-between
* financial insecurity (another illusion really but on my mind more, maybe it's the cash-only system).
Good things?
* I love my little home out in the boonies. It is well-designed and great for kids.
* my husband's family, especially my sweet mother-in-law, ready with presents for the kids to ease the parting.
* my trees and flower garden.
* our new pets, two dogs and two kittens.
* being somewhere we are needed
* language and culture and a rich heritage for all of us, once we move through our losses.
* my kids are troopers, resilient and cheerful (mostly, ha ha)
I hear you. You always have to lose something to gain something and the mixed emotions are hard to manage. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYes, so true. I admire what our parents did even more as I now walk this path.
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