I am...

going to do it!

I've been thinking about joining National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo), and there are so many things I want to capture right now that I've decided to jump in. I am planning on a series of posts that start with "I am..." mixed with some of my usual randomness as well.

Today's post -

I am a mother of five.

When people find out that I'm having a girl, they often say something like, "That's perfect, one of each." This bothers me, although I don't say anything because I know that most of them have no idea. I will never have the "perfect" family because my first three little girls are gone. As another mama put it at the end of her third pregnancy (her first daughter died at birth): "Somehow even this far in it doesn't seem real, or possible, to end in a place where our family is complete. Perhaps that's because we'll always be a partial circle, never closed, always reaching across a gap where she should be."

Raccoon was walking hand in hand with two of his older cousins the other day and I thought - this is what our family should have looked like. Raccoon should be both a younger and older brother. I'm not sure how exactly we would have survived the craziness, but I still wish it had been so.

It has been five years since SB died, and four years since N and J went home with another family. If things had turned out differently, we would have had a 9, almost 8, 7 and 3 year old for the holidays this year. The assumption seems to be that I'm "over them," especially now that I'm having a girl, but this year I'm breaking the silence. I still miss all three of them. I wish they were here.

I found some of SB's hair cream the other day and when I smelled it, I felt like it had only been five minutes since the last time I pulled her springy curls into pigtails. Doing their hair is one of my favorite memories for all three of my girls, but especially N. How she loved her mirror time! Raccoon sometimes wears a jacket that belonged to J, and my memories of her wearing it at 3 are so bittersweet. I met someone who remembered SB and spoke her name last week. I have decided that I will be speaking their names this year, and telling Raccoon their stories.