Shadows

During Raccoon's infancy, I didn't have a single flashback to SB. But with Robin, it's a whole different story. We got SB when she was a year old, but she only weighed 12 pounds or so and was very floppy, so she felt more like a newborn. Due to her injured brain (from abuse after birth or drug-use during the pregnancy, the doctors weren't sure), she only slept four hours a night, with medication. She would start to do what I called the head toss around 4 am and I knew it meant our few hours of sleep were over. Exhaustion doesn't even begin to describe what my husband and I felt. I truly believe that it was only the grace of God and amazing love that sustained us while we cared for her. 

Robin is a great sleeper in general, already doing a five to six hour stretch at night, but unfortunately she seems to share her brother's sensitive stomach. This is hugely discouraging to me because I prayed and prayed that she wouldn't have food allergies or intolerances. She's not as vocal about it, but it affects her sleep if I eat something that bothers her. Instead of settling down, she dozes and does the head toss, eventually waking up. When I hold her, feeling her little head go back and forth fills me with desperation, fear, and if it goes on long enough, anger. I feel like I'm never going to sleep again, or figure out what's wrong. I never thought this would be such a huge trigger for me.

I have to remind myself, Robin has a new story, not one that's been written before. Unlike SB and Raccoon, she will make up the lost sleep as soon as she feels better. I will figure out a diet that works for both of us. Robin will outgrow this head tossing stage and we will all make it through.