Learning to Let Go

"...Finding a way to bring together the mom and the woman." from Mama Pants

I like the whole idea, go read her post for details, but this line caught my attention especially. I have a 2y8m old son and am pregnant, so I am going to be doing the mommy thing in baby/toddler world for several years more. Now is a perfect time to try to figure out how to restore some balance in my life. For me, the person I was has been swallowed up almost entirely by mommy-me. I'm lucky if I take a shower and remember to brush my hair with any frequency.

Lately I've been experiencing some mommy-envy. When I'm around other mothers with toddlers, I hear of babysitters, a night out with friends, a date night, or even a week away from home alone. Raccoon will barely go with his own father for more than an hour without a where's-my-mommy-we-have-to-go-home-right-now-super-severe anxiety attack. How did we get here? And how do I make some room for myself without also coming down with a bad case of mommy-guilt.

I am grateful to be able to stay home with Raccoon. I know many moms don't have that luxury. I know mothers have been surviving for centuries with much harder lives than mine. Others remind me of these things frequently. Yet there is still a part of me, even more because I am an introvert, that just craves some uninterrupted "me time." I am hoping that if I am consistent, loving, and don't force the issue, that he will outgrow the anxiety on his own. If not, I have 30 weeks more to figure something out.

Then again, how independent do I really want him to be? Part of me says that he'll leave me behind soon enough and that I should treasure these months when I am still his whole world. The mommy and the woman. It's such a tug-of-war.

Grateful

I have composed several whiny posts in my head about the difficulties of the last few weeks, my normally complicated life descending into utter chaos due to back-to-back illnesses. But we are slowly climbing out of the hole and back into health. So I finally feel like celebrating since I wasn't at all sure we'd live through these past weeks.

Things I'm grateful for:

1) After puking my guts out with some sort of bug last week, this week I no longer feel any nausea. Odd but true.

2) 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow!

3) Things are no longer stuck in the land of poo (Raccoon will thank me when he's older for not
writing an extensive post on this one.) :)

4) Raccoon did not take his usual nap today, so I'm hoping for an early bedtime instead of midnight.

5) I am grateful that God has given me an amazing son, and another child on the way. I have several friends struggling to get pregnant, and I feel almost guilty to be so blessed. But I have had loss and heartache of my own, and this pregnancy is a wonderful, healing miracle in so many ways.

Relentless

One thing comes after another. Raccoon will be up from his nap soon. Supper needs to be made, dishes washed, laundry done, cleaning, picking up... and the list goes on. I feel so trapped by it all sometimes. More and more my thoughts are turning to the beach. I hope that we can make it there this summer.

Raccoon has been sick since Sunday, and the food freakouts have gotten to the point of ridiculously complicated - the tea is too hot, it's too cold, he wants it "WARM," whatever mysterious temperature that is. Eating is always a struggle, but when he is sick, he is especially impossible to please. There is too much ketchup, not enough, it's not in the right place or the right color. The banana is too ripe, the apple's skin is too wrinkly. It's like working 18 hours a day for a whiney dictator in a constant bad mood. Sometimes I think to myself, "He'll eat when he's hungry." But at the end of the day, I realize that actually, no, he won't. He will starve himself if everything is not exactly right. I try to be understanding. I know he's wired differently and things that don't matter to me are BIG deals to him. He does try to please me, but he just can't help it sometimes. I know it will pass and life will again become bearable. But today, I wish eating (and sleeping for that matter!) were not such chores around here.

Hello nausea, old friend

When I was pregnant with Raccoon, I spent months 2 to 4 throwing up all day long. I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow, and the nausea is picking up. I was hoping I wouldn't be sick this time around, but now I'm just praying for strength to get through each day. Plus Raccoon has been sick since Sunday and that's never fun. He's napping now so I'm off to get some necessary zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's. But no matter how rough this pregnancy gets, I'm still so thrilled because Baby S is my miracle baby. P.S. EVERYONE is telling me this little one is a girl, but I'm still feeling boy. Any guesses? :)

Feeling Excited

Raccoon fell asleep quickly tonight and I am lying beside him feeling pleasantly excited about my life. I bought some special flour today to start experimenting with GFCF cooking. Raccoon had allergy testing last week that confirmed our suspicions - dairy, corn, soy - and added wheat too. When I first got the news, I struggled to accept that our life had to change yet again. But now that I'm a week into it, I'm feeling more encouraged. Improvement, not perfection, is my goal. I also met a woman at a yard sale on Saturday who told me that there is a group of homeschooling moms near my house. Yeah! With Raccoon's SPD and allergies (and the cost of the private school I would like to send him to), I feel like homeschooling might be a good fit for us for the first few years. So all in all, I'm feeling optimistic. And I was looking at baby names tonight, which is always fun.

One Wait is Over, and Another Just Begun

I haven't been posting much because, as I mentioned before, I've been busy waiting. Well, on item #1, the wait is over...

The Joy (might be TMI, just letting you know)

Dear hubby was adamantly against having another child, but he relented last month because he knew that I wanted another one so badly. But one month and two negative pregnancy tests later (the day I was late and a week later), he said no more trying. Every other time, I've gotten my period the day after a negative test, but this time, nothing. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but finally at 11 days late, I went to my doctor for a blood test. It was going to take 30 minutes for the results, so Raccoon and I went to a nearby park to wait. When I walked back into the doctor's office, heart pounding and telling myself I wouldn't cry if it was negative, the secretary said, "Congratulations!" I could hardly believe it, but there it was on the paper, POSITIVE. Only by the grace of God, and I praise His name.

Needless to say, hubby is a little anxious (don't blame him, Raccoon is actually our fourth and none have been easy). I am filled with JOY. I am pregnant! 5 weeks tomorrow. This fills me with inexpressible happiness and if I'm honest, terror at the same time. We're not really announcing it yet outside of a few friends and family, but I wanted to talk about it here. So if you know me, don't spill the beans on FB or anything. :)

The Terror

Raccoon has SPD, allergies (wheat, dairy, corn), and has been extremely INTENSE since he was born. I honestly can't imagine us or our marriage surviving another similar infancy and toddlerhood. I have to trust that the Lord sent us this baby and knows what we can handle. But I would appreciate lots of prayer for a baby that eats and sleeps well, and has a happy, mellow, flexible personality.