Parenting Pressure

See? I'm doing a good job. They're fine despite my failures. Right?

I think most parents worry about something like this at some point. Children who are visibly successful ease our anxiety, but at what cost to themselves?

"Exhibit D: You Can Take Pressure Off the Other Children

If we believe that the actions of one child invalidate our success as parents, we may be tempted to depend on the success of our other children to prove to the world that we weren't such failures after all. These children begin to feel the pressure to report visible achievements and, in the process, to hide their own problems. On the other hand, when our worth no longer collapses amid the challenges one child brings, we'll better focus on each of the other children as individuals with their own hopes, fears, mistakes, and growth. They no longer feel themselves as objects we use to validate our parenting." Tom Goodman

A Point to Ponder: Creativity

Inspiration often comes when we are at rest.

This is my paraphrase of a thought found in this article (Secrets of the Creative Brain by Nancy Andreasen) and in the book, Cradles of Eminence.

I need a lot of down time to let my mind roam. Balancing this with mothering two young kids doesn't always work out. I want to capture my stray thoughts, to bring the strands of the world together, or have more time to study the Weaver.

I have been watching Numb3ers on Netflix after my kids are in bed, which has led me to ponder the beauty of math and the patterns in our world.

My mom is a highly creative person. She comes up with comfortable, simple, and elegant solutions for my everyday life.

My son is a divergent thinker. My daughter already knows what she wants. We are each creative in our own way.

Sitting on the beach yesterday morning, making dribble castles for my children to gleefully destroy, I thought of a story, starting with just one idea.

We'll see if it goes anywhere. I test my stories out on Raccoon. There are few people more honest or quickly bored than a four year old. :)

Summer days

My parents' visit is winding down, although we have one perfect week left together. We just got back from the beach and I have been reminded to find the beauty in my life. Our house was clean until two minutes after we arrived when our luggage threw up dirty clothes and sand. But the great thing is that we went and all came home again. That's worth all the laundry and dirt in the world to me.

I want to be mindful about connecting with my kids, to seize the moments we have. To start over each day, to find the courage to keep trying to do things better. I want to help them be themselves.

Grandparent Love

We are so happy. Together for a month. A little piece of heaven.

Brain Dump

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. - Ephesians 3:17+

I want to ponder these verses tonight. My faith has felt small lately. As a missionary, money is often tight, but I have seen the Lord's provision over and over. I am sure this month will be no different. I am so blessed. My faith should be huge. Help it to be so, Lord.

I know that the Lord CAN, but I also know that doesn't mean that He WILL. This is the heart of my struggle, that my ways are not His ways. I like things to be easy. He is working for my ultimate good.

Things on my mind tonight:

- will Storm make it? The vet drained 6 liters of fluid yesterday but she still had another 4 or so left. The incision leaked all day and I'm guessing she's down to 2 liters left. But will she gain the weight she needs? Will she fill up with fluid again? Was this the right choice? I am not good at letting things be, I inevitably choose to act, but perhaps I should have left her as is. She seemed happy. Now I am not ao sure.

- I think of SB and how some of the things that I thought were right for her were actually wrong. Her birth and death days are coming up in July.

- my parents come in two days! There is pain in the joy because I wish they did not have to leave again.

- parenting is hard, and a blessing and I'm grateful, but still hard.

- will I ever sleep through the night again? I should be sleeping right now.

- I feel like I shouldn't be worried about money because it's not that important and at the end of the day we're okay... but sometimes I still do.

- monday is my 13th wedding anniversary.

- I am struggling with toddler world, because I know I should be appreciating some of the very things that drive me crazy.

- God's plan for me is good. He loves me no matter what and I can trust Him with my heart.

What I lost and found

Somewhere along the way, I switched from planting pansies to geraniums, partly because of availability, but mostly because of survivability. I was tired of failing in my life, and wanted a hardy plant that I could not kill, so geraniums it was.

Fear of failure has impacted more than just my limited gardening. For years I have avoided taking on tasks that I might not do well. As you can imagine, this isn't a very satisfying way to live. I have decided to take some risks in these next few months, to try to do better some things that I have, up until now, routinely failed doing well. I think it's time for a change. Viva la pansy!!! Ha ha.

Speaking of my pansies, they are perhaps hardier than I originally thought. I forgot to water them and found them lying flat on the ground, apparently dead. I watered them just in case, and later that day they were miraculously recovered to their former beauty. This is what I want in my life, hardiness and resilience.